some new year's thoughts

i so rarely write here anymore, simple laziness i suppose. i write every day, i love opening a journal and pulling out an ocean blue pen to script my day's list and thoughts and needs, hopes and dreams spill across a crisp page in which i have glued torn magazine pictures of my favorite flowers or shoes. typing even simply family updates feels sterile to me, always has but i swore to push through it and that the discipline would somehow change the very fabric of my being....i'm a pen and paper girl. if you could only peek into my bedroom and see the tower of scribbled journals teetering next to my nightstand, it would confirm this confession....


however, it's difficult to put those worn pages onto the screen and i really have the desire to share, to live in community with friends near and far, with those i might never meet...create another form of keepsake memories for my kids, for myself.

so in the grand tradition of setting new goals for a fresh new year, i'm promisimg to put my handwriting to the keyboard, even just for a moment a couple times a week. this form of electronic scrapbooking, it's stretching myself to reveal my heart, my mundane tasks, it's a form of ministry for myself, my family, hopefully encouragement for others or at the very least provides a smile.

~~~~~~~~~~

so as we are all venturing out into 2012, looking ahead to what is to be, are you filled with joyful anticipation or hesitancy? trusting that the best is yet to come or longing for what was?

what is it that God whats to do in you in 2012?

i know for me this year will be life-changing! isn't that what walking alongside Christ is supposed to be anyway? just like paul writes in Romans 8, "This resurrection life you received from God is not a timid, grave-tending life. It's adventurously expectant, greeting God with a childlike "What's next, Papa?" it's living with expectation of God's goodness, trusting that if He sacrificed nothing to bring us into communion with Him by sending Christ for us, that He is able to be all that we need in 2012!

i know that He is drawing me in closer to Him, whispering love over me and asking for my hand as i travel down new paths. when i ask for the provision of physical and emotional strength to birth and raise another babe, He is there just waiting to provide. i look at this family He has entrusted to me, i tend to get a bit weak in the knees, overwhelmed with all that needs tended to, all this raising of teens and tweens and preschoolers and newborns, husbands that needs encouragement and love, time and caring too. He is there and He never told me i'd have to do it all and that His Grace is more than enough (Phillipians)

my words for the year are Mercy and Grace....that i remember that His mercies are new each day, that the Lord extends His mercy over my faults consistently, that by His grace i am made whole, that His grace is everywhere should i choose to see it....all is Grace, gifts, thanksgiving...Mercy abundant and unconditional for His children

share your word for the year, your goals and dreams, for He is able to 'do more than we could ever imagine or guess or request in our wildest dreams' (Ephesians 3), so let us not hold back and dream a big dream for God's Glory!

cruisin' into the fall...

so we've made it to the end of the first trimester....yay!!! the consistent nausea is not as consistent and the getting up 5 times a night to go to the bathroom is down to about one time, so i'll take this much desired relief and cruise into the second trimester. i got to hear my babe's heartbeat yesterday! i love love that sound!! so precious...it's hard to believe that 14 weeks have already gone by

i don't have a ultrasound pic of my own for 13-14 weeks (wouldn't it be so amazing to have one every couple weeks to see the baby?!) but i found this one and while i'm completely sure my lil' gummi bear is more beautiful, this will do :)

the big kiddos are back in school, just starting week 4, and 'K' is happily soaking up all the one-on-one attention. i really wasn't quite ready for them to go back just yet, but i was ready to stop hearing the hum of the PlayStation3 and disney channel and arguments about who double bounced who on the trampoline...on purpose.

cute picture of my posse of the kiddos at my brother-in-law's wedding a few months ago...just thought i'd share how awesome they looked :)

i started a new business from home (in addition to all the crafting stuff i already do, like this super cute purse/bag i made)

and i'm really loving it....but i'll do a separate post about that soon, okay?

hhhmmmmmm.....what else can i say is happening? i've been laying back and resting in the presence of God and His Grace, seeking to trust Him with all the changes that are happening and forthcoming. really been working on accepting His gift of unconditional love in a way i know i never have in my 20+ years of salvation. let's just say that it's liberating to truly serve and believe on Christ knowing & reminding myself that His love & blessing for me has nothing to do with me and what i give Him but is a demonstation of His blinding awesomeness!!! His faithfulness!!! that's pretty amazing and noteworthy don't ya think?!

my prayer for you this week (and month for that matter)is that you would slow down, close your eyes and take note of the graces, gifts, blessings that surround you, give thanks to Him who is the Giver and snuggle in a bit closer to the One who loves you more than we can ever comprehend.

be blessed....

He is so good to me...

its officially been a lifetime since i last wrote anything on this poor blog.....

however one thing has NOT changed: i am still and forever more will be a very Blessed Mama!!!

when i last left you we were celebrating the new little life growing inside me! babe #4 is such a part of this mama's heart and soul and a faith-renewing miracle!! and i can whole-hearted yell and proclaim that from the mountain tops....

...even though our sweet babe is now a beautiful angel basking in the Glorious presence of our Lord.

losing a child, be it during pregnancy or stillbirth or as an infant, is horrific to put it nicely. it didn't help us when the head physican in the ultrasound department said that as many as 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage. i realize he was trying to help, give me sterile soliace that this wasn't my fault and it happens all the time. didn't really sit well with me, this losing my baby doesn't happen to me "all the time."

but my God is so good!!! MY GOD IS SO GOOD!!!

i kept repeating that, hypnotizing myself really, for the next few painful days. i knew it was true, God is faithful and awesome and so, so good, and i was not going to let myself blame Him or lose sight of His heart for me.

He knew what the doctor would see on the ultrasound, no surprise to Him no matter how much this surprised me.

i will hold my precious, God-crafted and designed Baby Angel someday in heaven....it will be breath-taking!!

that was the middle of may....

fast forward to today, tuesday the 9th of august 2011

this is our gorgeous baby #5...little gummi bear (this is my nickname for all our wee little babes) is 9 weeks old, perfectly squishy and healthy, developing splendidly and due to greet us in march of 2011

my God is so big, so strong and so mighty...there's nothing my God can not do!!!

stumbling blocks and direction

there are so many things i want to do and yet i become my biggest stumbling block...

...you don't have time

...the finances are there right now

...what if you fail and everyone knows you failed

...i don't even know what the next 7 steps should be to get from "here" to "there"

...what do i really have to offer

i don't like to struggle, to be without vision and answers, whirling thoughts create a vortex of unknowns into an ache

He is doing something in me.... i desire to do great things for Him and that very desire is from Him to begin with

but which "great" thing should be the focus? where would you have me look, Lord?

so His Word falls open before me and tells me to look to only Him, serve only Him... devotion and obedience brings blessing and wisdom and protection...

i continue to commit His word to my heart. the one and only commitment i've planted myself upon for this new year.... Philippians, the whole book, commit to memory so that His unspeakable joys and love, a whole book-ful will grow and blossom within this life of mine devoted to His

it's a start. a wonderful one, excitement abounds!!

but He has more, much more. still listening and seeking so i can stay on His path, so His righteousness blankets me against the stumbling blocks...

i pray this first month of the year has you seeking and yearning for His direction, this journey of faith and following Christ into 2011 together in this small community.... Lord, let your grace flow and overwhelm me Jesus with your Joy and Love, that all be for your Glory

feel free to open up and share where the Lord is taking you this year and how i might join you in praying for direction and favor...

favor...

oh, yes! i crave and need His favor! presently and for the narrow path ahead of me... don't we all

be blessed, dear one!

imperfection

i am completely imperfect and messy

i don't clean my house as much as i should

i tend to do the laundry, lay out the laundry, but struggle with putting away the laundry

sometimes dinner is organic peanut butter & jelly sandwiches

i yell at my daughter for whining about her outfit, reminding her to have a Spirit of gratitude for clothes...where is my Spirit of patience...

i can't walk into my oldest son's room without commenting on how disgusting it is

it is the 12th of january in 2011 and i've yet to write down my goals

do i have goals?...what dreams has God given me...where should my focus be this year, month, day...

i let my preschooler play computer games for an hour so i could make beds, pick up rooms and hang up my Man and i clothes (only taken me 2 weeks & mulitple loads)

in all my messiness, floating adrift in my heart and mind for the last few weeks, maybe months, the Lord is still speaking to my soul...

"I love you with an unending, eternal love"

"I have plans to prosper you"

"I think you're beautiful and I want you"

"Nothing is impossible with Me, my dear daughter"

maybe you're seeking His heart for direction, wisdom, discernment, approval, dreams just i have been

feeling a bit lost

wondering what to do, where to go

even when i don't know what to do next, i do the one thing i know will bring me nearer to Him

i praise, regardless of my circumstances, my attitude

i live thankfulness, tick through the endless blessings that He pours on me

i seek to have less of me, much less

that His grace will flow over me, through me

i want be a world-changer for His name's sake

i'm just seeking how He wants to do that this year

the anticipation is wonderful and frustrating all at the same time

...help me see the glimmers of your Beauty, that i may follow after you

...steal all of me, Jesus

...my imperfections and messiness....take it all

depraved indifference

my heart is reeling today, feeling all upside down inside....

we give each month, we look to reach out and help those in our community, we obey His command to invite people into our home and hearts--hospitality for His sake....

but i feel we're still missing it...

a depraved indifference, not because we don't care but many of the places and people God is calling us to are so far away that it isn't affecting my everyday steps

as i still am piecing together Christmas gifts for our kiddos, their three gifts just as Jesus got that Christmas day long ago, i am struck by how many today across our city, state, country, world as without basic needs--without love or hope--and when we have so much, how can i contemplate even 9 boxes under our tree when Christ called us to do unto others

wonderful Ann showed me this video and i pray if you doing nothing else on your computer today to watch this, pray and be transformed for His sake

i am unsure exactly where or what He wants me to do next, but i want to do more... i will, by His grace do more, there must be more change...

...how about you?

the prison walls...

walls: (as a verb, from dictionary.reference.com)

* to enclose, shut off, divide, protect, border, etc...

* to seal or entomb (someone or something) within a wall

walls keep out the cold and rain, keep the light at bay and the hum of life is dulled to a pur in this place of solece. walls secure our countries and kingdom from predators and onlookers, alike. provided a way in and out, the wall appears to provide strength and confidence, a respit for peace on long, weary days.... free to come and go... until the wall becomes the crutch, the hiding place, no longer a place of renewal and communion with Him...

the wall is no longer there to temporary protect from the pains of life, but brick by brick our shield has now imprisoned our heart....

what happens when we refuse to tear down the stones and live in His freedom? when we no longer step outside the doors in our wall and our role in His Body is empty and dying?

the way God designed our bodies is a model for understanding our lives together as a church: every part dependent on every other part, the parts we mention and the parts we don't, the parts we see and the parts we don't. if one part hurts, every other part is involved in the hurt, and in the healing. if one part flourishes, every other part enters into the exuberance. 1 Corinthians 12.25-26 (MSG)

the wall in theory was excellent defense: using the hurled stones of pain, anger, loss, betrayal and creating the barricade with which to kneel behind, where the healing from Him could begin....

as the wall hardened steadfast strong, an eery pride joins in and the mission to go it alone with no need for others creeps along, forgeting His command... simple safeguard for the heart, right? love hurts deep and long, pouring it out over and over without allowing His love to refill and flow through brings drought and famine. going it alone behind the walls breeds dullness, when love runs dry we forget the Master's command

"Let me give you a new command: Love one another. In the same way I loved you, you love one another. This is how everyone will recognize that you are my disciples--when they see the love you have for each other." John 13.34-35 (MSG)

selfish wants to buffer love and fellowship with thick walls.... but then how will they see Him?!

you use steel to sharpen steel,and one friend sharpens another.proverbs 27.17

must chose-- His path: to love, sacrifice, endless compassion.... a growing love affair with the original Lover of our soul... OR the fortress of walls: emptiness, aching lonliness, separation and hardening...

by His Spirit the stones of the armament crumble bit by bit... as Light exposes our hurts, our fears...the wombly first steps to serve, to love, to live life bare and unearthed without walls

faith and trust the only real Strength needed, all that will save the soul....

you are Christ's body--that's who you are! you must never forget this. only as you accept your part of that body does your "part" mean anything. 1 Corinthians 12.27

only when the wall breaks apart can His will truly be done...

as i step out, i have failed and pulled back, ducked behind the barrier of my heart....it's quiet, i'm alone and the fear blurs my vision of Him

i stand up, knock away more stones by His beautiful grace, i will not lose my joy for prideful disobedience....

heart cries out "make me more like you" and His courage to love, to serve, to host, to dream streams through my heart

i still fail, sometimes i cower, scrabble towards the walls, but stopping short, on bended knee and arms lifted heavenward.... i believe, i know He is greater than all the pain, the hurts, the betrayals, my sins

His love is abundant and fresh, radiant sweet

if we desire to be like Him, to be the Voice of love to the grotesque blackness of the world, be the hands He uses to break the chains of sin by reaching out, out of our comfortable places, the prison walls must come down

He is greater, marvelous, glorious and bigger than my inadequecy

make us like you, Oh Lord!!! take me where you need me, break my heart for your Kingdom's calling

is He calling you to leave your fortress and trust that He will sustain you heart?

you need to know

i have avoided writing about this subject, seeing as it hits so very close to home for me, however i was prompted by some people's comments the other day to bite the bullet and put my beliefs and thoughts out there for all to read...

i pray your heart is open to the truth and you won't get mad, but regardless it doesn't make the facts any less real and true. it is important to have all the information when it comes to protecting life, especially the life of the those too little to speak out on their own behalf. so from a heart of love for those who read this, i want to tell you a bit more about why i have suffered with much sickness and pain for the last two years and how it could have been avoided, how innocent life should have been protected and why i feel it's my need to help protect other women & babes...

~~i finally stopped nursing 'K' when he was about 7 months old, my cycle finally started up again and so i began talking with my ob/gyn about birth control options. the pill or the shots aren't an option for me due to increased migraines & blood pressure, quite frankly it's not safe for me to take anything that contains artifical hormones or alters my hormones. so the only alternative my doctor said that i had other than condoms was the ParaGard IUD. he said it didn't contain hormones and worked for up to 10 years. my initial thought was great! my ob/gyn had always been very upfront, so caring, he delivered all three of my kiddos.... i trusted his judgement. i didn't research the IUD, infact when we had tried other birth control pills in the past i didn't ever spend time researching them either, that's what i had a good Christian ob/gyn for, right?

within a week of having the procedure to implant the IUD i was sick: severe abdominal pain, constant nausea, heartburn, diareaha, and within the next 7 weeks i would lose 35 pounds. i had gone back to my ob/gyn, to the ER, to my regular doctor and every single one of them said there was no way that the IUD could have made me that ill.~~

here's the safety information insert that patients should receive, but i got this from their website:

Pelvic Inflammatory Disease (PID): Uncommonly, ParaGard and other IUDs are associated with PID. PID is an infection of the uterus, tubes, and nearby organs. PID is most likelly to occur in the first 20 days after placement..... (emphasis is mine)

when i read this info almost 13 months after all my sickness had begun(and still being very sick) i cried, long and hard... but i cried harder and with such grief when i read this in the same insert from ParaGard:

How does ParaGard work?

Ideas about how ParaGard works include preventing sperm from reaching the egg, preventing the sperm from fertilizing the egg, and preventing the egg from attaching (implanting) in the uterus. (emphasis all mine)

wah?! ideas? so we don't exactly know how it will work, it's just an idea?! it prevents the egg from attaching?! so each month i have the chance of getting pregnant but my "birth control" keeps that from happening by aborting my baby?! wah?! you have to be kidding me!! my ob/gyn didn't say that! he's a Christian, how could he offer this? why didn't i research this for myself?

so i did further research at contracpt.org and it spelled out the same horrific things associated with the IUDs: abdominal infections resulting in adhesions, severe pelvic pain, and the worst of all: aborting the baby.

~~my doctors 7 weeks into my sickness simply thought i had reflux, a possible hital hernia and irritable bowel. but i continued to get more & more ill, what my Man wouldn't tell me then but will say now "you looked like you were dying..." and yet we had no answers. so it was decided after a nuclear test to look at my insides (again) that my gall bladder had some flucuations so let's take that out, they said that would fix it.

gall bladder out.... 2 weeks later, sicker than before. you've read this before here and here so i won't repeat my woes, because God's grace is more than enough for me!! and while i have thought several times before i have received complete healing, that hasn't happened but it is NOT too hard or too big for my God, He sustains me each day and i know He never leaves me.

but i turned to natural medicine, organic eating and while that helped i was still suffering often. but it wasn't until i finally got in with a GI specialist to have a colonoscopy and upper endoscopy done to check for cancer that he followed up on our hunch that the IUD was the source of this sickness. and after he explained what an IUD does as far as making the uterus "inhospitable" for babies and the inflammation that it causes. six days later after the procedures (which were clear, PTL!) i had the IUD removed.... within 7 days the nausea and vomiting were gone.

and while i still have terrible pain and some additional complications due to the infection and it has resulted in severe endometriosis, another side effect that would have been nice to know, i wish i had known then what i know now~~

this whole recount of 2 1/2 years to say this: are we asking the right questions when we are at the doctor's office? or are we trusting that they are telling us all the fine print?! doctors are people, imperfect people, and we have to ask the questions and get the answers!

did you ever assume that a form of over-the-counter birth control makes it possible for an early abortion? i'm not talking about the morning after pill (which is just a high dose of regular birth control)... am i the only woman how didn't know that that's how an IUD works? why is this okay?!

yes, i am completely, 100%, from the moment of fertilization a believer it is a baby, no question! and i was heartbroken to know that i had that IUD and what if....

did you know that creating a "thinned and shriveled endometrial lining" or in layman's terms: a uterus that a fertilized egg couldn't implant into is also a function of the typical birth control pill?

well, i've done some research for you:

christian family planning

christian answers

eternal perspective ministries

try any of these links and see for yourself. disagree if you want, it doesn't change the truth. now first and foremost i want to protect and cherish life, no matter 2 days since fertilized or 39 weeks into gestation, and oh my gracious i simply can't take a pill or insert a device that will abort that baby.

and the damage that i have physically sustained due to complications is obscene! the lack of answers, refusing to link it back to the IUD, well i just have an adversion to typically western medicine now; yes an antibiotic is definitely necessary from time to time, but taking a pill each day to alter my body's hormonal balance and how it was designed to function, nope!

for you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.

i praise you because i am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, i know that full well. psalm 139.13-14

this is not to condemn or judge any woman who is currently on birth control, be it the pill or IUD or the shot. please hear my heart, please! i love ya! i have not been carried through this trial by the Lord to let it go to the wayside... i want you to have the true, real information to make a prayful decision for yourself.

you might look at the evidence and feel that the chances of an egg not implanting is so slight that you're comfortable with the pill or the shot or the nuva ring and such. and if after much prayer and discussion with your hubby and doctor, that's your choice then be blessed!! you might still think that an IUD sounds like a great option... i sure hope for your own physical well-being and possible baby's well-being that it's not the choice; not because i'm condemning you but rather i want wonderful blessing and favor for you!

so while we might use a more natural family planning approach and that's what works for us, it's not for everyone and it does require a little more forethought, but it's our plan for our family right now.

my prayer is you learned something you might not have known before, i hope that my struggles will touch your heart, by faith i believe your desire to protect life will be strengthened and unwaivering, that you will search for yourself and work it out with the Lord....

i'd love to hear your thoughts, good or bad

much love to you....

do you just love it?!

okay, you have to tell me what you think.... do you love it? the new layout and pictures? is it easier to navigate and read? because i am so happy with it, not perfect yet, but liking it even more than before!

i want you lovely people who stop by to enjoy this blog as much as i love writing it. i have always been a "writer" of sorts as far as journaling, short stories for my kiddos and some plays & such for church; but putting all my thoughts, opinions, questions and personal walk out for all to read has been a challenge but i love it! i love sharing my parenting victories and failures, putting up the cute pictures of my babes and giving you a window into how are family does life.

so as i grow in my walk with the Lord, mature as a wife and as i am daily perfecting my mothering skills, i want to encourage others in their faith that God is with us! we are blessed to be a blessing to others, not to try to be "an island unto ourselves" so if in some small way you leave this place uplifted, then i know i'm doing exactly what God has for me at this time... which is a wonderful privilege and honor to do life with you!

and without further delay, let me announce the two winners of the 'jewelry portrait'.....

out of the five entries, i let the geniuses as random.org chose the winners, so don't blame me :)

and the winners are angela i. and meeyeehere!! okay girls, send me an email (floodedbygrace@gmail.com) so i know where to ship your 'jewelry portrait', the colors you definitely want and just a few little extras that i'll ask about....

this was so fun!! so glad you all came to play.... if you're sad that you didn't win, don't worry! you can also contact me (floodedbygrace@gmail.com) to order your own personalized 'jewelry portrait' for just $12.00 plus shipping, but this discount (originally $18.00 w/ shipping) is just for the other three gals that entered.... but please pass it on to your other friends, i'd love to create for whoever!!!

tomorrow i'll have the part 1 of the video tour through our new home!! i'd love you input on some rooms that just need that "something" extra!

be blessed!!! the best is yet to come!!

the move that almost wasn't...

our home sold!!!!

i know!! it has been a long time comin'!! well, technically only four months, but it has certainly felt like forever. i have the utmost respect for you if your house has been for sale for awhile without an offer, because the whole process is exhausting! no joke... the impending sense that a realtor will call at any moment to show your house, so it must be perfectly presentable all the blasted time, well it can send you right into a straight jacket!!



however, we almost didn't sell the house...


but thankfully the Lord answered my prayers to save us from ourselves. does it sound odd that i have honestly been praying that prayer for several weeks?

"Lord, you know my heart, that our intentions are pure and we honestly want to do whatever YOUR will is, so please give me wisdom & discernment... save us from ourselves! don't let us do anything that won't bring you glory and praise and blessing"

yes, our home has been on the market, patiently (ok, not always patiently) awaiting buyers and we knew that this life change is exactly what God had for us. and i have been so excited to downsize our mortgage payment and having a smaller home just means i'm done cleaning that much faster, right?!

but then something happened.... a huge, ginormous blessing!! it was out of the blue, completely unexpected, not even on our radar. God is so awesome that wasy! when we were just going about trying to get this house sold, trying to stay on course and BAM!! my Man (he is so wonderful, just so you know!!) got a huge promotion! that's right!! (and i am aware that i am using a ton of exclamation points, but this is big stuff!!!) it's the promotion that we didn't ever assume would come available anytime in the next couple of years, much less now. and we weren't even looking or asking for it!!

so do a little big dance right now with your arms lifted high to heaven in thanks to God for giving my Man the talent, the wisdom, the favor for this position!! thank you Jesus for loving us and having such amazing gifts instore for your children, even better that we can plan for ourselves!!

okay, on with the show!! so the house keeps not selling... we lower the price... still no buyers want my beautiful home... we lower it again... but february, march, april & most of may pass with no buyers to be found, but...

we began to pray and think.... hhhhmmmm.... maybe the Lord has given this amazing promotion out of His utter depths of goodness (of course!) and now we can stay in our house and i can still be at home with the kiddos!! we still wanted to increase our giving to missions & charities, be more involved with ministry, grow stronger as a couple and as a family, but now we could stay in a home we loved!

it is so wearing to have the house listed for sale.... i know, i know, broken record.... but three kiddos and a horse a mammoth puppy and the cleaning & straightening never ends. and so with now prospective buyers in sight, it seemed that the Lord had granted my wish to stop cleaning the house 10 hours a day and we were going to stay put....

remember the prayer to save us from ourselves? well, just as we were going to take the house off the market, a realtor called one saturday morning and asked to show the house, and reluctantly i said "sure" and we scadadaled out of their way.... then the realtor called again that afternoon:

realtor: "they really liked the house, can we swing back by again just to walk through one more time?"

me: "um, sure. my youngest is napping already so, we'll just hang out in the backyard while you're here, if that works for you & the buyers."

realtor: "that is perfect! we'll be there in five minutes!"

oh mercy! they come, they look, not quickly but for 20 minutes, and while any other time before i would have been so excited that they had returned for a long second look, but i had gotten to the point where i just didn't care anymore, just the truth.

and two days later, we had an offer! but you know what we did, after much prayer and talking and debating the pros & cons, and prayer?

we rejected their offer... we didn't even counter offer, nope! not us, we felt that with the offer they had made it just wasn't being a good steward of God's money and resource to move, and then we told our agent to pull the house off the market! i am laughing now as i write this because i can see how God knew what He had prepared for us :)

however, we got another call that afternoon from our agent, the buyers were devasted. i told him unless we got full price we weren't going to do it. so he asked us to counter offer at full price... so we prayed again, talked more, talked to our parents seeking some Godly counsel, and i reminded my Man of the prayer: "Lord, save us from ourselves"

so we counter offered at full price, the next day they accepted it! wow!

and five days later, after looking at handfuls of homes that we didn't ever get that "feeling" about, we met a wonderful buyer selling her mother's home (who had passed away a couple years ago) who was doing 'for sale by owner'....

my Man and i walked into the house and i was overwhelmed to teary eyes by that "feeling" and the Spirit's leading that this house was the house.

i want so badly to tell you all the cool stories about our new home! the sellers grew up in this home, it was the first house their parents had built and the only place the ever lived! i love hearing about their family dinners, where their mother would spend her time, their favorite rooms.... to say that we love it is a complete understatment!!! (i think that's worthy of 3 exclamations!!)

so we bought it... it is definitely under our budget, it was under our budget before the promotion... it is old, but i just love it!! the lot is huge!!! it has original 1961 pink tile in one of the bathrooms and i love that, too!

what i really love is how God is good, so splendidly good! He knew He had prepared this home for us, He knew that if we waited until this predestined time that we would get it at the price we needed, He already knew we were close to giving up on selling and just when He had destined it the house sold. He answered our prayers to lead us and guide us, to save us even when we were seeking and trying to do His will. He knows our hearts are set on surrendering all to Him and He is so good and His blessings never end.

we have a good lot of work in front of us... i have been priming walls & cleaning carpets, scrubbing bathroom, wiping down the kitchen, and the endless packing, oh my the endless packing, but it is even better than we could imagine....

i can't wait to show you all before and after pictures!! it's coming tomorrow!!

God can do anything, you know - far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! Ephesians 3.20 (the message)

so why can't we stay together? part 2

so recap from part 1...

i hate divorce, it sucks

when parents act like children instead of making their children & their welfare of the highest priority is pathetic & sad

in part 1 i relayed my disbelief with the CDC's 2009 report of 50% of the 2.162 million marriages ended in divorce... wah?!

so why can't we stay together? aka: divorce part 2

i said i'd give my two cents worth on this, so here goes... however let me preface my interpretation & insight is infinitely influenced by my parents divorce and my faith in Christ, and i am aware that each marriage is as unique as the snowflakes :)

my mom and dad knew each even as young as junior high, and then eloped their senior year of high school, then moved across the country when my dad joined the Marine Corp. a couple years later they move back to Fly Over Country and i am born shortly after. like most young couples they struggle along financially, my dad worked construction and my mom worked as well while i stayed with my aunt during the day. by the time i was almost 6 my middle brother as born, we shared a room together, i remember that he cried a lot but i was so excited to have my own real baby doll. jobs & money got better and we moved to a better part of town, nicer house and i had my own room and we had a big backyard and i got to walk to school, which i thought was cool in my head but scary to actually do at the age of 7. my mom worked a lot i think and so did my dad and my brother went to preschool. my parents didn't talk much. my dad yelled at me a lot. then something went wrong, we had to sell our house, we were going to move to another state and my mom was pregnant with my youngest brother which i was convinced would be a sister.

we move a bit more south, i am back sharing a room with not only my middle brother but also my baby brother, darn. i meet a girl who quickly becomes my best friend, she's still my best & closest friend to this very day, we live near my mom's parents which is cool and my mom gets to be at home with us which is even more cool. dad works a lot. there is a lot of fighting. a couple years later we make a big move north to where my entire family on both sides is from (go Huskers!) so my dad can become a police officer and i spend the summer helping my mom remodel an old house just across the tracks from my cousins. things change quickly as we are only there three months before our family of 5 moves back south to our hometown (where we began, just in case you're lost).

i start middle school, i am missing my bestie, i get my own room and while i never felt overly popular until my freshman year, i made tons of friends in our new school and got to stay until i graduated, which was a year early because i'm just that cool :) i go to college, meet my future husband, get through my freshman year, that summer my parents get divorced, i'm 18

as i write this, i think it sounds normal and what a lot of families experience like job changes and moving and both parents working, new babies and new schools. so what does any of this have to do with marriage and divorce and why we can't stay together...

have you ever thought "my spouse isn't making me very happy right now?!" i will be honest my Man, as awesome as he is, can irritate me and make me unhappy. some of his choices can upset or sadden me and i have said or thought "you shouldn't say that... it makes me unhappy" and if i'm being totally honest i've even whollered there for a few days pondering "why isn't he trying to make me happy... i mean it's not the end of the world for him to do so-and-so just for my sake." and while my Man and i are completely in love and our desire is to serve the other's needs & wants, not everything my Man does is going to make my heart flutter and my eyes bat adoringly as i swoon over him....

and you know what: that's okay. yep... i know, i know, our world will tell us that if it feels good then do it. and if we can't have our way, then find someone who will give us our way. the world says if we can't have it right now then stomp your feet and someone will cave to your whim. it should all be about "us" and what will satisfy us, i mean we're entitled to a mostly perfect life, right?

WRONG!!! i despise this enviroment of entitlement, and the notion that supreme happiness should be my goal. and it especially bothers me to see this attitude within a marriage because this selfishness will be the bomb that causes it to come crashing down.

what if marriage is meant to make us holy, not happy..... what if it is used by God to keep transforming us to His image instead of to give us whatever we think will make us "happy"

do you know what word could fill in all the gaps in my short childhood recap of my parent's marriage? ...W.I.I.F.M.

you know: What's In It For Me?

when my mom and my dad got married i think they were both trying to escape parents & families that were suffocating them and trying to show they were adults (my opinion and not meant to denegrate) and because they didn't have an example of a loving, respectful and serving marriage and their relationship with God was a mess, i believe they thought that marriage and the other person would serve to make them "happy."

i think we are all prone to this trap in marriage, in life :) don't you?

my dad has always had wonderful intentions but very little follow through... i think that he desired & intended in the beginning to be a good husband that could provide well for his wife but it was harder than he thought and it turned out to not be a lot "in it for him" when he wanted it to be about making him happy.

my mom has big dreams and impressive goals for herself and i'm sure that she has since before she even became a wife or mom... and then she married a man who wasn't on the same page as her, i don't think they shared the same goals (except to get far away from their parents) and unfortunately she married an oppressive & angry man... and this quickly became a marriage that wasn't happy (or safe).

when Christ isn't the center of our life and if He isn't the heart of a marriage then i'm telling you it won't work. we need God to save us from ourselves! i need God to save me from me!! can you relate?

there was a time in my own marriage when i was so full on for Jesus and serving Christ while my Man was only interested in giving God some time on Sunday morning, but he certainly had not surrendered his whole heart to God. and while he loved God, he wasn't ready to let go of his own agenda... and it created problems

he would be upset that i didn't recognize some song on the radio that he liked because i typically listened to Christian stations & would criticize over that... he felt slighted over the amount of time i would be at church serving and so he would withdraw some from me

he was saying, in a sense "why aren't you acting like i want you to act, spending your time how i'd prefer, etc" or as i like to say, he was saying "what's in this for me?!"

but, as i prayed, as we spent time talking and working through those days he felt like second on my list, the more i continued to obey God in serving Him but working to submit & serve my Man, well God changed my Man....

and while i had an awesome marriage before, it got a million times more awesome!!! when Christ became the center of our marriage and our hearts, we gave up on pleasing ourselves and more focused on loving God & each other, it was beautiful...

so why can't couples stay together?

it has to be about more than "feeling" happy.... and more about God

what say you?....

to spank or not to spank...

i am the typical oldest child: type A, over-achieving, perfection-driven, always-to-be-the-leader kinda of girl... it honestly didn't take much discipline to get me to change my behavior, whether i was a little 4 year girlie or when i was 14....

not that i wasn't ever spanked or sent to the corner but it really wasn't necessary (well, at least i don't think... better call mom... ok, she said it was necessary some of the time :) ) because simply giving me that look of total disappointment and telling me that you thought i was so much better than this, well it would just do me in! i'd drown myself in sorrow and create a plan to out do myself with goodness when the next opportunity presented itself.

however,my first or second or third attempts at "goodness" weren't ever truly good enough, because i was still harshly dealt with by my dad whenever it suited him.

his definition of "discipline and guidance" was a belt, sometimes his thick hands, and it didn't just sound scary or painful... it was scary and very painful

being a trimuphet survivor (thanks be to God) of child abuse has always impacted the disciplining of our posse of kiddos: definitely for the good

before kiddos i would have told you there would never be a case for spanking them! post-three-very-different-kiddos i would confess to you that i am an advocate for spanking... if it makes the point within a short amount of time and used appropriately.

our oldest, 'P' , never required more than 3 swats on the hiney as a toddler, that's it 3; our lil' Lou-Woo was a bit more of a challenge with all the drama that comes with having a girl :) but even then, the times she was spanked really made the point and her behavior quickly corrected itself...

however, our sweet baby 'K' is the world's most stubborn, rebellious & defiant toddler! okay he's not... i only know this from first hand experience that my middle brother (and my hubby's middle brother) is still to this day the world's most stubborn person :)

but i digress... spanking 'K' doesn't matter; he'll go right back to what he was doing the 5 seconds before i patted his rear, or giving him the "i'm really getting fed up with your behavior" tone is not long lasting either, and while the "naughty spot" (you might call it time-out) is effective for the moment of teaching & learning to say 'sorry' & talk about forgiveness, but i am still the very blessed mama of a little boy who couldn't do what he is told if i was paying him in M&Ms!!!

which leads me to begin thinking: does spanking truly work?

it frustrates me to no end that a swat on the hiney for throwing a fit in the store or freaking out at 'P's ball games is not teaching him anything (obviously)! why is my babe not connecting the dots here?! does spanking not have the short-term effect to cause my cute boy's brain to register "hey, maybe i shouldn't do that again?" have you had this issue with any of your kiddos? please say i'm not the only one... please!

all my own inadequacies & childhood memories are starting to get in the way too... i don't in any way, shape or form believe that spanking a child is abuse as long as it's not done out of anger and it gets the point across in a few short episodes... but as i've been researching & coming up with new ways to guide 'K's behavior, i find myself remembering the belt, the yelling, my confusion, and the marks that didn't go away and the internal scars that will always be there.

how can people do that to their kids? as parents we have all felt the frustration, those days that all our kids can say is "NO!" and your rapidly fraying rope begins to harshly smack you in the face, but how can people hit their kids and call it discipline?!

my dad always justified his attacks as "discipline".... i always knew i didn't want to ever become that: you know, somehow it's the victims fault or they say "you made me have to be tough" sort of thing. that's not of Christ, not even close

i am flooded by love for 'K' and he is the cutest little man... incredibly smart, funny, imaginative, cuddly, tough & sweet all mixed into a curly-headed boy.... goodness he's awesome, and what's even better he's mine!!! alright i'll share with daddy, but that's it! (giggles...)

i've been praying (lots!) that the Lord will use this head-strong, relentless & dominant spirit to change the world someday. if 'K' is this stubborn about not wanting to hold my hand in the store or so passionate about playing with my breakables no matter what i say, if that is used for God's ultimate glory, then watch out world!! he's coming to tell you about Jesus' love for you whether you want to hear it or not!!

so for now, our battle of wills is going to head a new direction; i will refuse to frustrate myself & 'K' by continuing to spank & not see any changes. i won't buy into what i know some believe which is "spank more and harder and they will eventually get it." NOPE, not gonna do it! in my opinion, that is how parents can cross the line of discipline into abuse....

what direction are we going? well, lots of attention and explaining of why there are rules & mama and daddy love you and it's our job to boss you around & teach you stuff :) hee hee!! i love being the mommy! i still like the 'naughty spot' and if the fits keep going in the 'naughty spot' then it's off to bed to cry it out there when he doesn't get his way. we are teaching him Bible verses about love & obedience... and he is able to tell me his verses, believe it or not!! and i can think of nothing better than hiding the Word of God in his heart to help change his behavior.

as a child, i always hoped that my dad would change, that if i was better that would make him nicer, i wanted him to care about my sports, look at my pictures, spend time doing fun things with me... the fact that he wouldn't made those episodes of violence that much worse

hug your kids today, especially when they are being bad, tell them how much you love them, turn off the t.v. and spend time with them... that way when we have to give guidance & discipline they will know it comes from a heart that is truly devoted to them

Lord please continue to bless me with wisdom & understanding to guide my children, so they will have hearts to love & serve you all their days. i want them to obey not just me but learn to obey you God, to develop a spirit of grace and have an abundance of wisdom from you. make me in to the mom that my children need, that i would be open to your direction & leading, that i will always love them with all that is in me, just as you would! i pray the same for every parent that reads this and is moved to serve you more Lord by loving their kids more. thank you Lord!!in your Name....amen

charity and sacrifice

UPDATE:

okay my people :) since the solitary comment was from my IRL friend Christina, she gets a copy of Crazy Love!!!! next time it could be you!!

ORIGINAL POST:


charity....

it's been on my mind a lot as of late. i guess not so much charity or giving time & stuff, because we give money and stuff all the time, but i've been praying and pondering about living sacrifically so that i have more to give... how can i live out "Love your neighbor as yourself" in order to more fully "Love the Lord your God with all your heart, your mind and strength." is this making sense to anyone?

i love praying for divine appointments for God to use me to tell someone about Christ's love for them, to stop and buy someone some food, give them a ride when it's cold or raining. i am always more than willing to take the shoes right off my feet (or my kids and yes i have offered to do that) and give them to a person in need because i know i have been over-the-top blessed by God (in so many more ways than simply monetarily) and i can stop at a shop on the way home and pick up another pair. it makes me so bubbly and excited to pack up my kids gently used (or sometimes never used) toys & clothes and deliver them in cute little brown bags to the local shelter for deserving children and parents.....

but it's not enough....

i want to give more money each month towards our Missions faith-promise because there are families living in 6x8 houses in Haiti that not only don't have food or a change of clothes, but they haven't ever heard the life-giving message of Jesus and how He loves them with all abandon! i want to give more money to the sweet babes in Africa that live in slums, whose floors of their homes are trash & waste, with gangs prostituting children around each corner, so that they might get one real meal each week and hear about Christ's plan for a future for them and His desire to richly bless them! i want to have more food to give the families in my town that don't have anything for dinner each night, and if i can help fill the gap, they might see Jesus' love and provision for them.

i want to live sacrifically so that those near to me and halfway around the world might be fed and cared for in this life, but more importantly for the eternity after this life!

i am so crazy about Jesus!! but real all-consuming, sacrifical love doesn't mean just giving my leftovers to Him: my leftover time to work in a few Bible verses, my leftover moments before sleep to say a few prayers, my leftover energy for worship & praise, my leftover & hand-me down clothes that didn't sell at the garage sale for the needy, the leftover granola bar in my truck for the homeless on the street corner............ NO!! He is the Creator of the Universe, my Savior, the Lord of ALL Lords!! i want to give my best!

i'm not perfect, but my heart and mind have been spinning like a top for several months now on how to love God more, how to surrender more, how to be transformed by Him for Him more... see a pattern developing? more, more, More, mORE, MORE!!

i have been making that time each day (okay there have been a day here and there i didn't keep my Jesus appointment, but i'm a work in progress, getting better day by day thanks to His grace) for God's word, meditating on it, fasting, spending time on my knees (literally) at Jesus' feet just praising and thanking, asking and pleading, believing and trusting... and not that these acts of obedience to be in the Word or prayer time are new to my schedule but the more i have felt the Lord's leading to serve & give & intercede more for the lost, the needy, the broken, my husband, my children, my family, my church, my friends, well the more time i have spent in His presence, because i know that He has such amazing plans for me, ways He wants to use me, to break my heart for what breaks His... well i felt like my inner God-light has simply gotten brighter and brighter...

the Lord is revealing Himself to me more, igniting my passion for loving others more!! and so i want to give my very best!!

it is so cool how our little family is positioned for more right now... with God granting such an amazing gift with me being at home full-time, downsizing our house, downsizing our stuff, extra career opportunities for me from home, assisting some other families with childcare needs and such, we are primed for having more time and money to give!! God is so awesome like that!!

it sounds odd to say "well i have left my out-of-home career & salary, and so now i have more money to give"... doesn't make sense in this world but God's economy is different. and while our tithe might be less since our salaries are less, we will have a much smaller house payment and no other debt (God willing) when the house sells....... but more importantly what has been changing even more over the last few months is our hearts & mindset. having "stuff" isn't all that important, and i really never felt like it was, but our life shows differently when i truly look hard:

we drive new cars, have name-brand clothes, have the cool toys & game systems, bought whatever new & nicest stuff to decorate my house, go out to eat whenever we feel like it, take some long-weekend vacations here & there, and put dollars away in stocks & such... and none of these things are inheritly wrong or bad, i'm not saying that buying that pair of ridculously expensive heels is a sin (i own several of those... incriminating myself) but can i buy a nice pair at a chain store and send that extra $50 or even $100 to a child 18 hours away or around the corner, and give them a chance at knowing real love?! i digress... we have been giving the Lord's tithe (of course... God is awesome at somehow blessing the 90% & making it go farther than 100% of our money..wow) and some for missions & for our church building campaign but nothing that truly stretched us (in my opinion), nothing that made me sit back and go "wow!! that was a lot"

(geez!! that was a llllooonnnnggg paragraph!! are your eyes bleeding?! :) )

i am not capable of giving tens of thousands of dollars, but God is!! if he is laying a dollar amount on my heart to give each month for missions or to children in need, He will provide it; by faith, i believe and know that!! but i do want to sacrifice more to give more... i am so ready to live in a smaller & less expensive home, have fewer bills so that i can give more, save more, give more, save more... you get the drift

charity...

it is something that flows from our hearts, a leading from God, that tugging on our soul, that as the Lord's children we are to take care of the widows and orphans, clothe the needy, feed the hungry...

it's a choice:

to obey Christ and follow His footsteps, we can show Him how much we love Him by trusting Him to work in us and through us and experience great joy and connection with our Father... or... we can continue to live as though it is all about us, giving when we can but not making it a priority and not know what true blessing is.

my purpose in writing this was mostly for myself, i'll admit, i have been making notes and writing in my journal furiously... but as i wrote this my inner fire is even bigger & brighter :) and it excites me so much to see what God can do with my softened & ready heart... this is not to brag or say "see what we're doing!!!", not in the least... but i pray you see where we are, where we've been and part of where we are going (God willing!! cause we don't know exactly where God is taking us) and that your soul is inspired, ignited, renewed by a love for God.

part of my journey has also been in reading a fabulous book, Crazy Love by Francis Chan, who has so brilliantly written his heart and spelled out for us again what God's word says!! and since i want you to know and love God with all abandon :) i would love to give a copy away to one of you lovely people!!

please leave a comment, any comment and i'll randomly pick one of you to receive this great book!! you'll love it!!

be blessed today, thanks for letting me share my heart with you... i'll close the comments sunday night and chose the winner!!

(if you don't know how to leave a comment, simply chose the anonymous option under comment as)