Wednesday, March 18, 2015

i'm not ready...


i couldn't help but snap this pic real quick the other day as me and the kiddos (yes, all four of them) invaded Bass Pro for the afternoon. these are some of the things we do on spring break, it's a good time :)
curious why i would love a picture of the back of my children's heads? as i stood behind them--they were too busy talking to the alligators to notice what mama was doing--it occurred to me that i won't get too many more of these moments.  these everyday, normal moments where all four of my babes are willing to go spend a valuable spring break afternoon with boring ol' mom. these moments where they are all getting along, not taunting each other, bossing one another, there was no crying or whining...this moment, brief as it was, is so precious.
i realized as i stood looking at these absolutely adorable creations, that in just a short year and a half one of my precious loves will be an adult, an eighteen year old man, headed off to college--whether near or far matters very little, just fyi--and my heart sank right there in Bass Pro. i'm not ready.
i'm not the least bit ready for P to live somewhere else. i'm not ready for him to be fully in-charge of his schedule. i'm not ready for him to be outside of my protective realm. i'm not ready.
what if he lives far away and gets sick? what if he hungry but is out of money? what if he doesn't wake up when his alarm goes off and misses classes or work or ball practice?!! what if, what if, what it???!!!!
how will Girlie or K or Lil'K2 react to not having Buba around everyday? he is all that K wants to be and without P here, will that just break his heart?
i began in this moment to question our parenting and if we'd done a good enough job to prepare this man-child for the real world? is God's Grace deep enough to cover all my failings & short-comings?
and while my broken heart began to well-up in the corners of my eyes, the fantastic four started walking on towards the fishes & boats, i blinked away the worries, determined to enjoy the now, the present.
but i know that his childhood is coming to a close, can't get away from it. i miss his lil' boy voice telling me he loves me to the moon & back and how he would crawl into my lap for snuggles after school and gnome-kisses at bedtime. it does make me sad in so many ways that all too soon he won't plop down on the couch and watch Duke basketball with me or be the first to tell me how good dinner was or make me laugh out loud with his jokes and antics in the afternoon.
but God's Grace is deep enough and His Love is relentless and He will give this mama the peace & wisdom to maneuver the next year and a half of my P's life. God is more than able to fill in all the crack and holes of our parenting and give His Favor where i assuredly lacked.
for the very best days with my son--with all my babes--is yet to be!!! Lord, please go before me, grant me strength, wisdom, kindness to love BIG <3 font="">

Wednesday, January 21, 2015

to my sister-bestie :)

to my bestest friend & sister:
happy birthday My Sarah!! you would have been 37 today, I've always enjoyed rubbing it in that you're older than me, even if it's only by a few weeks :) if you were here we would most likely be meeting at The Greasy Spoon in Monett for breakfast, a few hours of talking face-to-face and a piece of pie before we part ways (because by that time it's lunch!!), we'd hug long, get in our vehicles to drive our separate ways but not get very far before one of us would call the other to chat more on the hour drive home....
i'd be lying if i said i wasn't a bit sad this morning. i don't miss you less with each passing day or birthday but if it's possible i miss you many things i long to tell you, talk about how our kids are growing, endlessly quote Friends to each other in text throughout the day, tell you about my disappointments & struggles and hear your encouraging words and some tough love too :)
i miss picking up the phone to hear your voice & you asking me to be your "moral compass" and tell you what to do, telling me a funny Mason story or talking about our dreams & hopes for the future...

but i do NOT lose heart and dwell in my sadness of your physical presence because i carry you Sunshine in my soul, endless notes & letters & cards written from the well-spring of your heart to mine, i see you when i look at Mason's school pictures (which are all over my house, because he will forever belong to me and is just like my own child, just as my kiddos were to you!), when i talk to your Mama and hug sister are in those places and God uses those to comfort me.
so happiest of birthdays my forever sister-bestie....and i know this truth: that the very best is YET to come!!
love, me :)