Saturday, August 29, 2009

what's my deal?

i've been in and out of a funk the last few weeks mostly due to many of the events in and surrounding my life had me thinking and praying a lot, but i didn't feel like i could write about them yet. however, here's a snap shot of some the things that seemed to occur all within a short window of time: work has been completely, utterly overwhelming which makes my feel like i'm spending less time with my Posse and not being 'all there' for everyone in my home (and that is one of my top priorities, ya know?!), my blog pal MckMama's baby, Stellan, was not doing well and that had me praying and pondering, only to then get a call from my friend and fellow natropathic medicine researcher & user and dad to sweet Jaymun that Jaymun wasn't doing well and the CNS leukemia was bad to say the least, my Man's car died and was beyond the point of repair and he couldn't find another that he liked in the price range we wanted, i am in the midst of some ministry changes at church and trying to see where God wants me, the kids are starting school and how am i supposed to find time to do all the shopping for new clothes and supplies, will i be able to squeeze in a few more fun outings before school, had a middle of the night emergency room visit due a resurgence of the sickness & pain i have dealt with over the last year or so.... i could keep going but i won't, i'm looking over this and it's kinda a downer.

however, i serve a great big, huge amazing God who is not just lounging around in the clouds completely caught off guard by the current trials and stress in my life. my cries for discernment and understanding, rescue and relief are not a news-flash to Him.

'For I know the plans I have for,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.' Jeremiah 29.11

even when i feel like all is lost and i want to crawl in a hole and just keep myself safe from all the potentially sad & difficult situations that this life has, that's not want God intended for me. Christianity is not about safety but is about freedom. the real freedom that comes with serving and surrendering my life to Jesus, even when it's hard, stressful, overwhelming, you get the point.

and with trials, large & small, comes a great testimony of the Lord's grace and provision, if i stick with Him and walk by faith then i get the pleasure of seeing the His fingerprints all over my life! let me show you:

my job:

Slaves, obey your earthly masters in everything; and do it, not only when their eye is on you and to win their favor, but with sincerity of heart and reverence for the Lord. Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as work for the Lord, not for men. Colossians 3.22-23

most days i can honestly say that i really do enjoy my job, but the last 8 weeks or so have, oh what's the word..... sucked!!!! i'm not opposed to hard work and i think that change is a good thing, the changes in my office were a large adjustment, and it felt suffocating with a the over-the-top amounts of paperwork to complete each day, multiple meetings without any purpose, aaarrrggghhh!! and while i still am not totally onboard with the new requirements that fall under my job description, the Lord has given me extra energy when i was ready to throw-in the towel, put me in touch with business owners when i really needed an answer, grace with my managers. my days are still longer than i would prefer, but this career of mine is not permanent and i can't wait to share some upcoming changes and the Lord's leading in this area in a post very soon.....

less time and my 'not all there' feelings for my Posse and my Man:

...train the [younger] women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God. Titus 2. 4-5

Her children arise and call her blessed... Proverbs 31. 28a

because of the high demands of my job right now i am feeling much pressure and guilt that i have not had the adequate time to devote to my Posse and my Man. i hate feeling like my big kiddos didn't have a truly amazing summer vaca because i didn't have the time to take them to SDC more, or have more movie days, we were at the park quite a bit and the pool and they both had church camp for a week each and sports camps and piano lessons.... they had a good but rather uneventful summer. i know that this is not all bad, but i wanted more for them and more time spent with them! then of course the house was kind of chaotic and messy than i'd prefer since the big kids were running the show with 'P' as the babysitter of 'Lou-Who'. and let me say that he did a great job taking care of 'Lou-Who' for a few hours each morning while i was at the office. they spent time reading and playing together, doing their chores, having some lazy time in front of the television and so on. but i wanted to be here more, i don't like getting home late and getting 'K' from the nanny and then rushing around to get dinner made and then cleaned up, etc. of course not every day was like this and i am overly organized in our family schedule and we just planned as best we could for the longer days. i despise the aura of hurriedness in our afternoons and evenings, and i will admit that once i feel hurried and stressed nothing is really right for the reminder of the day.

do you ever just feel saddened by what you want/dream for and what you have to endure in the present? i have prayed more than a few times this summer for the Lord to help me be the best mama that my Posse needs and fill me with energy and physical strength, give me insight and words to lift up my family and bless them with my service to them, even if some of that service is providing for them outside the homestead.

when i have days like this, i would & do have to step back and get ahold of my thoughts and my tongue and make choices to edify my Posse and my Man. my attitude and words will either bring life or death to my family, so i must stay close to my Jesus. i'm ashamed to say that many times my stress makes my words louder and more harsh than i'd like, and thus where i need to take my kiddos in hand and say i'm sorry and i will do better, with the Lord's help. i'm reminded that i need to be a Mary at the feet of Jesus allowing Him to pour into me so i can pour out on my babes, instead of Martha who is OCD about whether the dinner is done at 6p sharp

'Martha, Martha,' the Lord answered, 'you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.' Luke 10.41-42

the questions, concerns and uncertainity for friends with sick little ones:

I will restore your health and heal you of your wounds. Jeremiah 30.17

i will admit to that i felt such a burden when cutie baby Stellan was in the hospital a few weeks back with a terrible prognosis & health that was quickly decreasing. i was overcome with questions as to why the Lord was not intervening yet and praying for healing for Stellan like a crazy person. and then little Jaymun was back in the hospital out of the blue with the horrifying news that the cancer had relapsed, again. and i was overwhelmed with grief for him and the whole Kaat family.

does the Lord lay situations and families on your heart that you are to hold up in prayer? these two families are amazing and i (like thousands of others) am called to intercede to the Father on their behalf, holding them up and laying it all at the feet of Jesus, praying without ceasing for the healings that Stellan and Jaymun need. believing by faith that the Lord is true to His Word that He is our Healer!!

i am so happy and ectastic to report that Stellan was saved from the current danger with his broken heart and you can always check in on him at his mommy's blog!!! within just a few days the Lord rescued him from a perilous run of SVT. it was amazing to literally watch a miracle be performed right in front of my eyes!! i've got goose-bumps! and sweet Jaymun is not out of the woods, however he is defying the odds for a third time, yes i said this is his third bout of leukemia and he's only three. what 10+ treatments couldn't fix with his CNS relapse before, this time through the leading and mercy of Jesus, the chemo mixed with herbs and other natural medicines has gotten the blasts down to ZERO!!! he is in need of our prayers and petitions because despite great test results he is back in the hospital tonight with a possible infection that could cause menigitisis. thank you Jesus for hearing our cries, for being so near to your children that are brokenhearted and sick, but we are not defeated because you Lord are our victory!!

my Man's car died:
completely unable to be fixed. darn.... it was an unwanted stress to have to go out and buy a car that we did not intend to. and while it was a difficult two weeks of searching and praying and questioning what to do and why? the Lord heard and provided a near brand new SUV for my hubby at a low, low cost. thank you Jesus for caring about all the details of our life.

i know that your retinas are bleeding profusely at this point and i'm going to wrap this up, promise scout's honor!!

all of this to hopefully encourage your heart and soul today with the promise that the Lord wants to bless your life and He brings hope when you feel none. here's my two cents though: don't rely on your feelings, they will lie to you every time. if i only made dinner when i felt like it, it is quite possible that my Posse might never eat! i will serve the Lord regardless of how i feel because it says in His Word that He will never leave me or forsake me!! i might feel crushed and squished down by all the trials and hardships this earthly life brings, but this place, earth, is not my home, it is only temporary, and i am living for eternity!!!

Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations forever and ever, AMEN (emphasis is all me!) Ephesians 3.20-21


for your viewing pleasure for sticking it out through that long post... baby 'K' snuck into 'Lou-Who's tent where her babies were sleeping and he wanted to feed them. he is so stinkin' cute!!!

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