to spank or not to spank...

i am the typical oldest child: type A, over-achieving, perfection-driven, always-to-be-the-leader kinda of girl... it honestly didn't take much discipline to get me to change my behavior, whether i was a little 4 year girlie or when i was 14....

not that i wasn't ever spanked or sent to the corner but it really wasn't necessary (well, at least i don't think... better call mom... ok, she said it was necessary some of the time :) ) because simply giving me that look of total disappointment and telling me that you thought i was so much better than this, well it would just do me in! i'd drown myself in sorrow and create a plan to out do myself with goodness when the next opportunity presented itself.

however,my first or second or third attempts at "goodness" weren't ever truly good enough, because i was still harshly dealt with by my dad whenever it suited him.

his definition of "discipline and guidance" was a belt, sometimes his thick hands, and it didn't just sound scary or painful... it was scary and very painful

being a trimuphet survivor (thanks be to God) of child abuse has always impacted the disciplining of our posse of kiddos: definitely for the good

before kiddos i would have told you there would never be a case for spanking them! post-three-very-different-kiddos i would confess to you that i am an advocate for spanking... if it makes the point within a short amount of time and used appropriately.

our oldest, 'P' , never required more than 3 swats on the hiney as a toddler, that's it 3; our lil' Lou-Woo was a bit more of a challenge with all the drama that comes with having a girl :) but even then, the times she was spanked really made the point and her behavior quickly corrected itself...

however, our sweet baby 'K' is the world's most stubborn, rebellious & defiant toddler! okay he's not... i only know this from first hand experience that my middle brother (and my hubby's middle brother) is still to this day the world's most stubborn person :)

but i digress... spanking 'K' doesn't matter; he'll go right back to what he was doing the 5 seconds before i patted his rear, or giving him the "i'm really getting fed up with your behavior" tone is not long lasting either, and while the "naughty spot" (you might call it time-out) is effective for the moment of teaching & learning to say 'sorry' & talk about forgiveness, but i am still the very blessed mama of a little boy who couldn't do what he is told if i was paying him in M&Ms!!!

which leads me to begin thinking: does spanking truly work?

it frustrates me to no end that a swat on the hiney for throwing a fit in the store or freaking out at 'P's ball games is not teaching him anything (obviously)! why is my babe not connecting the dots here?! does spanking not have the short-term effect to cause my cute boy's brain to register "hey, maybe i shouldn't do that again?" have you had this issue with any of your kiddos? please say i'm not the only one... please!

all my own inadequacies & childhood memories are starting to get in the way too... i don't in any way, shape or form believe that spanking a child is abuse as long as it's not done out of anger and it gets the point across in a few short episodes... but as i've been researching & coming up with new ways to guide 'K's behavior, i find myself remembering the belt, the yelling, my confusion, and the marks that didn't go away and the internal scars that will always be there.

how can people do that to their kids? as parents we have all felt the frustration, those days that all our kids can say is "NO!" and your rapidly fraying rope begins to harshly smack you in the face, but how can people hit their kids and call it discipline?!

my dad always justified his attacks as "discipline".... i always knew i didn't want to ever become that: you know, somehow it's the victims fault or they say "you made me have to be tough" sort of thing. that's not of Christ, not even close

i am flooded by love for 'K' and he is the cutest little man... incredibly smart, funny, imaginative, cuddly, tough & sweet all mixed into a curly-headed boy.... goodness he's awesome, and what's even better he's mine!!! alright i'll share with daddy, but that's it! (giggles...)

i've been praying (lots!) that the Lord will use this head-strong, relentless & dominant spirit to change the world someday. if 'K' is this stubborn about not wanting to hold my hand in the store or so passionate about playing with my breakables no matter what i say, if that is used for God's ultimate glory, then watch out world!! he's coming to tell you about Jesus' love for you whether you want to hear it or not!!

so for now, our battle of wills is going to head a new direction; i will refuse to frustrate myself & 'K' by continuing to spank & not see any changes. i won't buy into what i know some believe which is "spank more and harder and they will eventually get it." NOPE, not gonna do it! in my opinion, that is how parents can cross the line of discipline into abuse....

what direction are we going? well, lots of attention and explaining of why there are rules & mama and daddy love you and it's our job to boss you around & teach you stuff :) hee hee!! i love being the mommy! i still like the 'naughty spot' and if the fits keep going in the 'naughty spot' then it's off to bed to cry it out there when he doesn't get his way. we are teaching him Bible verses about love & obedience... and he is able to tell me his verses, believe it or not!! and i can think of nothing better than hiding the Word of God in his heart to help change his behavior.

as a child, i always hoped that my dad would change, that if i was better that would make him nicer, i wanted him to care about my sports, look at my pictures, spend time doing fun things with me... the fact that he wouldn't made those episodes of violence that much worse

hug your kids today, especially when they are being bad, tell them how much you love them, turn off the t.v. and spend time with them... that way when we have to give guidance & discipline they will know it comes from a heart that is truly devoted to them

Lord please continue to bless me with wisdom & understanding to guide my children, so they will have hearts to love & serve you all their days. i want them to obey not just me but learn to obey you God, to develop a spirit of grace and have an abundance of wisdom from you. make me in to the mom that my children need, that i would be open to your direction & leading, that i will always love them with all that is in me, just as you would! i pray the same for every parent that reads this and is moved to serve you more Lord by loving their kids more. thank you Lord!!in your Name....amen

i just opened the door to the past!!

you've been there before, i'm sure: you're 18, finally an adult (or so we think) planning out your path for college, what your career will be, where you would like to end up living and the kind of house you'll live in. did your day-dreaming become reality for you? was it everything you thought it would be and more?!! or a huge disappointment? okay pull yourself out of the past (smiles)! i'm only asking because i took a moment of reflection this week of where i currently am in this walk of life. what? you'd like to know where i thought i'd be as a 31 year old when was i was a mere high school graduate at the tender age of 17? i'm so glad you asked! it goes a little something like this:

i was 17, i graduated from high school early (yea me!! is what i thought, should've been thinking, yea God, but hindsight 20/20, huh?!) my plan was as follows: i was going to work that summer to save money to fix my car, shop, save a little back, and of course have plenty of money to go out to the clubs with my friends multiple nights a week so i could party as much as possible before classes started, when i would have to get 'serious' (wow! what an oximoron that was: drinking/partying & serious). i would have to be serious because i was going to school with the intent to be an attorney - i know it's very cool, i thought so too. i was going to finish college as quickly as possible so i could get to law school - i wanted to go to Louisiana or up to George Washington. my plan was to move away to a big city somewhere, live in a cool, industrial loft, and go to work as a guardian ad lietum for abused children. i had no plans for children, no plans to find the love of my life at the young age of 17 and no plans to listen to anything God had for me.

it's true - i didn't think i wanted to be a mama - i loved God and was 'churched' my entire life but i didn't follow him or pray daily, i wasn't in the Word daily, i wanted to go shopping, go to school, to work, to the clubs and drink at night with friends (and i use the word 'friend' loosely because while we all cared about one another, we obvisously didn't because of how we all condoned each others' sinnful lives). what a waste, oh hindsight!!

and so these plans were mine a short 14 years ago: kinda sad, self-centered, self-serving, utterly God-less intentions. i openned this door to the past as i was on the campus of my former university this week during master 'P's football camp and as i watched big 'K' play in the fountains in front of the library, see...

Thankfully, God has amazing plans for our lives, He has awesome plans for me today, tomorrow and in the years to come: Jeremiah 29.11 For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. 12 Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you.

when we make plans without prayerfully bringing them before the Lord, they're just junk & my plans were junk! i have written this so many times that i am grateful for the call to mama-hood!! it is my main ministry, only secondly to the ministry as a wife to my Man. i'm not saying that my Man and my Posse are more important than serving the Lord, but by serving my Man and my Posse i am honoring the Lord because that is what He has called my to do!! i'm ecstatic that i was called to this minstry, i wouldn't want to miss this....

i want to the be Proverbs women, i'm a work in progress:

Proverbs 31.26She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.27She looks well to the ways of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness.28Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her:29"Many women have done excellently, but you surpass them all."30 Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.31Give her of the fruit of her hands, and let her works praise her in the gates.

you're curious what Jesus' plan for my life now and forward? how sweet of you to be so interested in lil' ol' me (wink, wink!), well let me tell you what i do know:

Jesus beautifully planned out hundreds of thousands of years ago the path for my life, He knew where my steps would lead me if i obediently followed His Word and where i would stray to if i chose worldly temptations. bless the prayers of my mom whom interceded to the Lord on my behalf. God so wants to bless my life and He is speaking to my heart & soul all the time about the plans He has for me and my Man and our splendid family. i want with all that is within me to download His plan into my blackberry (which i cannot live without!!!! ahem.. excuse that outburst) and follow to Him step by step 'til the end. and i will only get those daily downloads if i walk close to Him, spend time praising & worshipping His Holy name, praying impudently for direction and the Lord's help, by digging into His Living Word and believing by faith and trusting on His promises to lead me to the Promise Land.

i am ashamed of my former plans, i am not proud of the way i lived my life back in my early college days, however i am saved by the Lord's Grace! the Lord knew what it would take to bring me and my Man back to Him, and by giving us first 'P' we were awakened to the miracle of parenthood, and i fell in love with my baby, and then i fell head-over-heals with my girl 'Lou-Who' and He has taught me deeper lessons in mama-hood with baby 'K'. i don't like that i did things backwards (i.e. life of sin instead of for God, dating out of context, drinking, baby, then rededication to God, then marriage), but i am training the next generation the ways of the Lord, not with just words but by my actions and by my unwavering desire to serve the Lord.

so as i have enjoyed the reflection that this door to the past has offered me this week, i am ever so excited to keep moving forward in my walk and see what the next door the Lord opens has to offer!! the best is yet to come!

and yes, big 'K' did get himself wet in the fountain, just in case you wanted to know!!